Unmovable Self

Yes. I am sure that I need to follow what is called as Gyan Yoga and has to become Gyani, enlightened being. Or is this wish itself stopping to be enlightened? Am I already enlightened or do need to put effort to become enlightened? Or it is just error which need to be corrected by just knowledge? I am not sure about the question or answers till I personally experience the enlightenment.

I am pretty sure though Gyan Yoga specially Advaitvad is path to which I must follow further, my intuition already saying to me and I can’t resist myself to go on path, it’s so obvious now. Seating lonely, raising Who am I? Question and listening to I am thought and searching to source give unique experience which can’t be explained in words, Vedanta says it as SatChitAnand, but I am pretty sure now it is attributeless, their intention might to indicate the experience of fullness, Sampoorn as at max as human being we only want SatChitAnand. Yes, it is joyful though, not generated in mind, though something different, tough to explain, only experience can help to see it personally. But what’s next? This is first step to silence mind and feel how joyful I am the last thought or it just help to disconnect all problems are of Body-Mind complex and not of me as I am nothing but source of I am thought. Though questions are flowing in mind, looks like Vedanta community has answer for them, but do I need to watch, read all the discussion, verses, Upanishads for this. Is anyway someone has on same track has same questions and someone who already enlightened has already answered it. Ramana Maharshi talks are available, though still I am struggling with more detailed discussion about my progress, is there anyone who has the answers for it. I can’t see the choice but to explore more to see if I find something, something which is available or expected to be available in this Information Age, I might not be searching it at correct place or not raising the correct question itself to get answer.

As last time I have told I have explored few enlightened beings, their books as well to see what they want to say, their videos to see something or some direction can help to proceed further on path. I know that during my progress, something will appear on its own, I just need to be open minded to see it. I realised or I would say Socrates is enlightened as per my reading, Allegory of the cave by Plato indicate the psychology of enlightened one. Ramana Maharshi is already well known. Another enlightened being I am able to read about is Guru of Ramesh Balsekar. His books pointing to his Guru Nisargadatta Maharaj, who belong to Advait NavNatha Sampradaya, Marathi Old India lineage, whose question answers related to enlightenment are translated in English book “I am that”. This is impressive book which after many related books read, I am able to come to see that at this point this book is helping me. This book contains very clear point to point questions-answers and further progress related questions I already had are answered in this book. I have been on the similar path but after lot of struggle on my own to reach to current level, which has been matching with the steps provided or experience observed in first chapter itself. Sharing recent unique experience.

Journaling:

I have decided or I would say some thought came to my mind to have 10km walk today or daily. Started walking. Before walking I already had 1hr who am I? Question and I am thought source search meditation. Felt joyful, silent. While walking I have started detaching from false again to reach truth which would remain only when total false discarded. I know I need to do this again and again. Refer last blogs about detachment, check date, since then I have started discarding and detaching myself which is false, now it is getting easy for me to do so, earlier it is tough, now it is easy. I know I am not body, not mind, I have seriously detached myself, detached my body-mind, detached very nearest to heart my lovely daughter, then wife, then parents, then relatives, then friends, Professional status, my name, my position, my all rich possessions, my all securities, worries, future, past and at last present as well. All Kshetra is detached fully now as per Krishna, eternal enlightened one, in Bhagwad Geeta. Earlier it’s emotionally painful, but now it is easy as you realise all these are just appearances and your body is also just appearance in others mind.

I have become witness, observer, I observed that “something (body) is walking, something is seen, something is heard, something is felt, something is thinking, something is acting, etc”. Suddenly at some point it’s tough to explain, but let me share it at earliest before my memory lost it. I felt I am constant, unmovable light flowing though prism of space-time to experience the subjective world as objective with space-time, each experience in now(present at space-time) is snapshot observed and stored in memory with space-time orderly fashion, no time details feed to it as I avoided looking at watch, (no time information store in memory, when we see the time in watch that experience is stored as another snapshot and can be available in future on recalls) though I know overall location map I travelled and each step progress orderly in space-time, and current step. I felt I am unmovable-constant, something is walking or legs just moving?, eyes lenses are blurred due to improper focus, lost intention to correct it, half eyes got closed like Buddha meditation pose, mouth dried out and lips are pressed hard, right hand fist pressed very hard, I was still walking, no intention to stop or walk, whenever alternate path available to walk, decision was automatically taken, no hurry, no motive, just some movie going on screen? Have been in this unmovable presence till I reach home, someone old age person when looked at me told something in Chinese, I am not able to understand what he told, though ignored him and quickly returned to Body presence. Reached home and slept peacefully. Though experience was unique, haven’t seen, experienced in entire life the unmovable me, while everything is moving like movie on screen, including my body is walking.

Subjective Self

Having in silent centre focused mind for long time searching for the source of the thought “I am”, at some point we realise that we can only search for the object, which we do till “I am” thought which is experienced and can be searched as object, as end object. To go further to source, cause us to see all objects are loosed up, last object thought “I am” also discarded, I felt to be at centre earlier, has now lost relative to what centre, it’s me with no centre illumining everything. Intermittent awareness of “I am” thought is also illuminated by me. It’s fully merging in me everything, nothing to be other to compare or relative to compare, differentiations. When woke up, realise SatChitAnand, all three in one, felt during the meditation. I have lost the awareness of space, time, anything objective, thoughts during meditation.

I, the Mind-Body complex(M-B complex), looked back the progress to reach here, have to fight a lot mentally, though it is so near to us, just focus on “I am” awareness, it’s easy to feel, experience or I would say we are already Self, does really experience which is temporary feeling is really there, we must already in fully experience of Self. Intermittent glance of experience we feel is definitely an error.

I, the M-B complex, have been going through the Ramana Maharshi talks, videos to see the similar experience reported by someone, have explored books available for many religions and their documented experiences. Able to identify, list the historical, current people who has been enlightened, has to validate after reading experiences they faced. Around all religions has documented somewhat Similar experiences. Though I, M-B complex, explored and now personally settled to Vedanta teaching which has been famous across the globe majorly due to Swami Vivekananda, who talk in 1893 at Parliament of World’s religion. I, M-B complex, used to read his 100 years old talks done during his lifetime in 2012-13, though looks like I, B-M complex, wasn’t ready at that time, most of the talks are not understood by me, as I was thinking objectively, which I think will now make sense after these experiences.

Vedanta is non duality, does not belong to any religion and directly talk about the Self which is realisation or enlightenment by very few spiritual leaders. Vedanta is simply documented old feeling, experience felt, streamlined path for enlightenment/liberation/Moksha instead struggling on your own, by very old human civilisation generation since more than 3500 years old for betterment of future generations. It has been preserved in writing since then, earlier experiences might have been transmitted verbally generation after generations. To get quick introduction you can search for YouTube video series of Swami Sarvapriyananda Drig Drish Viveka series. I now see the beauty of this talk and understand the discussion as while listening as well I felt transcendental, spiritual ecstasy and also resolve many doubts I am facing on this journey.

I, M-B complex, can look at past and see this M-B complex went though Karma Yoga, Bhakti Yoga specially Krishna consciousness, Rajyoga settled with Self Inquiry and after so many years I used to read about Gyan Yoga, but all attempt failed to understand as trying on my own in objective experiences of the world. Now listening, reading Gyan Yoga, I am able to appreciate the simplicity, just to discard the error. It’s better to be at first place start with Gyan Yoga Vedanta instead trying on your own, at max if we go on our own, we end up in reinventing the wheel with so many doubts, confusion in mind. As Self is not objective, it’s subjective, it’s the only one reality, one existence, one Self, and we are ancient being knows it already.

Distilled Meditation

All earlier journaling which sometimes go much depth inside the thought and explode with the details what happening inside mind. Somewhat greatest Mahabharata like fights between the different conflicting thoughts inside mind. Meditation started with so much mythology, different enemy friends which slowly getting surrendered, destroyed. All which has been detailed explained earlier is just getting thrown over the period as discrimination of truth and untruth side line all these extra covering, what purely remains is just what we really had intend to meditate upon or pure extraction of Self Enquiry Meditation:

Just seat comfortably, raise only single question “Who am I?”. Mind must moved to Center line slowly. If it still want to wonder, raise question again and again. Do not plant or thought any thing extra as suggested in old blogs, like Sat, Chit, Anand awareness. You need to understand that any other thoughts are untrue, unreal. When we ask “Who am I?”, earlier we might be answering “I am Pure Awareness, Eternal Pure Existence, Eternal Pure Consiousness, Eternal Pure Bliss”. Our Focus was earlier on qualities, feeling followed by “I am” thought in earlier statement, also called mindfulness meditation. Reality is focus must be on “I am” thought only, everything followed by this means “Pure Awareness, Eternal Pure Existence, Eternal Pure Consiousness, Eternal Pure Bliss” has to be discarded, released from thoughts. If we stick to it, progress will be stopped by these thoughts. Intention is raising “Who am I?” question and if answer receive from core of the mind “I am”, then searching for the source of this thought. Repeatedly doing meditation till all thoughts subsided and only single thought present. It might take some days, some months. Later just waiting for enlightenment, which come on it’s own without pushing hard to yourself. It will choose or it will reveal itself when time comes, when fruit is ripened. All stuffs, fight to silence the mind and thoughts, we can see so many literature, mythology, dogmas out there in world. To speed the silence, suggesting to release sense of doership, egoist thoughts, fearful thoughts and motivated actions, renunciation from external desires, discarding all expectations from you first and others, also means releasing the steering wheel though seating on driver seat, if needed ignoring what other concerns and focusing on progress towards silencing mind, towards search of Truth, Self Inquiry, etc. Renunciation might become great fight, between two conflicting thoughts, understanding real nature of the mind with discrimination thought of real-unreal, we might end up in loosing everything, physically or mentally depend on the nature/temperament of person. Having vegetarian food, yoga exercises, mindfulness meditation, mantra chants might help you to great extent to silence and focus mind, but it depends on the way you can control your mind. Gyani can give Mind something it likes to keep it at center, Yogi might push mind hard, forcefully to Center, slowly slowly using hard techniques. For first approach, you can try old blogs to help silencing mind or any other way, for later one external help is needed like veg food, etc. Use what you think suit for you, or mixed approach of Gyani and Yogi, as final purpose is to keep mind at source at any cost.

This means all stuff I have blogged progressively in earlier blogs are egoist stuff, when Ego is at your Center it do all talking. Once you see there is nothing Ego and ego explained stuff, you silence yourself slowly. This also indicate I recently stopped blogging, blogging intention clarifies as time go on, ego loose out. There is nothing like any religion specific thoughts, no temple at heart, no ego visible as different entity, it doesn’t exist at all, no mind stuff, no god at center, no other thoughts, no filling of mind with purity, sat-Chit-Anand thoughts. If it is still their, it’s ego imagining all of this, keeping you outside the ring all time, not allowing you to reach inside. What is inside the ring, who knows, just wait, relaxed, with single thought, years after years if needed, you might go through hell, just stay calm, there might be something which people say enlightenment, it might struck, it might not, but when it is there you are neutral in thoughtless situation and it doesn’t matter, who cares enlightenment in such thoughtless meditation 🧘‍♂️.

Fear or Ego motivated actions

Starting with Who am I? Or Naham, Koham, Soham when non meditating does help to keep focused on the fact that I am not this, I am not this, by negating the false and realising that I am Truth. But we need to do our duty in the world, there is the time when we say I am not this mentally, but we are still acting Falsly, thoughts and actions are not in synch. Let us understand that Truth Exists and raise question What is Truth? Whenever we dig further into our actions, motivation, thoughts for the truth, we make sure that all of the actions we are doing are not due to Fear or Ego. If we see the original motivation is Fear or Ego, then we are acting with False. Karm Kar Phal ki chinta mat kar – Do your duty as duty without expectation of fruit. This would be possible if our action are done as intended to do, as contribution and original motivation is not fear or Ego, but true Self Truth.

You need to initially use descrimination of false and true tool to discard any action motivated by fear or ego and just do the action with the sense of doing it for sake of doing. Example most of us wanted to have financial freedom, for which essential is financial intelligence and we have decided to save, invest regularly. Result we intend is financial freedom with some value of money in possession. We imagine it’s growing monthly, yearly, etc. Look at the intention behind saving money, you need to deep dive inside your thought with repeated question of what is source of this thought? You need to do it till you see it’s due to fear of loosing money, fear of insecurity or is it Ego who already earning more money and want more money due to greedy nature. If this is the case your all actions are false. It has to be originated with thought of doing it as duty, originated from Pure Self, contributing your time to study finances, contribute money for saving with attitude of contribution only. Your body is on loan, your money is also on loan, you are getting it from this world and you might loose it to this world. Do your duty not due to fear and not due to greedy ego. Check this same mind analysis with other thoughts as well.

This has to do initially, so we can train ourselves to have less False living and More Truth living. There will be some time in future we might see just Truth.

Freedom Drama

Journaling:

Started meditating with single question: Who am I? Naham, Koham.. Not this, not this, Who am I?

I am not this body. Body is not truth, not real. I am not this mind. Mind is not truth, not real. Mind is propagating sustainability of body, fear of maintaining it, fear of security of body, fear of having enough money and growing it for future sustaining of body, body related family members, body related social circle, body and mind so called related spiritual progress, religion, all fear is in mind, all money, all body, all family, all social circle, all professional circle, all is in mind.. nothing is real.

Mind has desire for Physical Freedom, make body perfect with health by all physical exercises regularly. For Self, body is just like unreal cloth, does it need to be maintained? Mind desire of Physical exercise to keep cloth maintained, doesn’t make sense. It’s just Dream, does not lead to truth.

Mind has desire for Family time freedom, being in presence of so called family of Body, near dear one, body’s wife, body’s daughter, body’s mother and body’s father. Self just look at it Drama getting played, born is body as new cloth to Self? Came to world to be son of parents, drama continues to grow, study hard to maintain family, earn money, to satisfy both side parents to get married, both bodies get married and next body as cloth of self appear as daughter, new beautiful character in this drama. Mind, body not truth, not real I am. Family Time freedom is also just another play by Mind.

Mind has desire for Professional Freedom, having freedom to do what Mind, body likes to do professionally. Body has working professionally day night to build its own war ship, to the misleading thought that body is I and getting satisfaction with what it is professionally delivering. Making happy to others, helping to grow company, etc. all this play, drama for Self. Body is just is misleading sense to consider itself I. Professional Freedom is mind’s desire, it feels it is bounded. All this is drama. Self does really care all of this, it’s already free.

Mind has desire for financial freedom. Mind, body both have fear of loosing money, fear of securing it for future. If money is not there then what will happen to body, body family, body social. Mind, Body thinks that money does solve all problems, is there problem in the world? Why mind feel that there is problem, is it outside? Or it’s in mind? All drama, effort to preserve and sustain, grow money by Body, Mind is just another play.

Mind has desire for social services freedom. Body has got married, body has born, all relatives are related to body. Friends are related to body, entire society is of body. Drama of serving, helping people by the untrue imaginary not fully awaken body, mind to egoistically helping to others. Thinking their is problem, they want it to be corrected, saving the world. All drama to help, to serve is by ego, is in mind, is not real, it’s not truth.

Mind has desire for spiritual freedom. Body born in Hindu religion, mind doubted, challenged, belief shifted, settled back to same religion. Body grown up with limited religion, then believed spirituality without religion. Does spirituality itself is needed? All this is with body, in mind, both are not true I. No religion, no spirituality, exactly interesting drama played by body, mind. There is nothing like spirituality, nothing like religion, it’s just only single one Truth.

Unlearning what I have learned, as body, as mind. Unlearning that their is nothing like personal freedom, family time freedom, professional freedom, financial freedom, social services freedom, spiritual freedom. All this is just drama, played by layers of clothing mind, body on already free Self. Strong Thought continue with realising that unreal body is totally dead now at this time, mind is some what dead, still struggle continue. Thought of Freedom from bondage is still in mind, I suspect it is stopping the progress of realisation.

Gan Ganat Bote

Journaling:

Observed that sense of doership does affect a lot and delay silencing mind. Have to put much effort to surrender mind, ego again and with crying heart urge has to be done to Self to help to be with him. After long time able to be with his blissful presence.

Repeated Mantra “Om” while breathing pushed towards Self, Center. On each breath out felt presence of Self with “Sat-Chit-Anand”. Each breath in n out caused to move near to Self and feel bliss.

Repeated curiosity for how can I manage expectations and always in bliss? Intuitive thought observed, “No expectations, Gan Ganat Bote”. No expectations from me first, do not expect anything from people around you first, slowly do not expect from you. “Gan Ganat Bote” indicates everything is Self, all world n your activities are getting done by Satvik-Rajasik-Tamsik nature. No need to be attached to them, emotionally no need to attach to result or seriously getting involved or engaged to push it hard with sense of doership. Be in bliss all time and enjoy the task by acting with what next visible path you see. Goal are intended just to decide the direction and shortest visible path in confusion, execution has to be blissful with no expectations or attachment to results.

Expectations

Starting the spiritual journey also required to do the sacrifices at your end which are called in Shastras as Tap n Daan. Starting this journey on my own I have to do some sacrifices, so that I can take out time to meditate, instead of running for what other people concern, I have to be focus to what really matters to realise self. Initially reducing and if needed entirely discarding the tasks for the sake of spiritual progress. Friends, colleagues, leads who are taking me granted that any challenge just thrown to me, I will make sure to take it to end and make it successful if required by stretching myself after office hours. I have to be strict to started saying Big No to them, make them realise that their ego and identity is due to my actions and to make them clear that I still hold my ownership to prioritise my tasks, and my own tasks considering self realisation goal take priority in personal time than their tasks. This was tough to handle by these people initially but it does help me to clear the clutter, to clear the path towards Self. Sometimes these people who think they are very successful and their way of living life is the best and try to push their way on me, claim that what I am doing is useless. Their sense of kingship, they forgot is due to my egoist actions to accept the challenge and deliver task in hand, does keep them as well on throne. They even declared and told me that meditation is pathetic and will not help in achieving their goals, this is due to their fear of loosing freedom they are enjoying earlier by overloading, handing over the tasks to me while publicising that they are creator. They do sometime want to but not able to focus on Meditation, gave up by declaring all benefits are just useless reported by some useless people and in end, declaring that their way of life is only way to be happy and successful. I can relate this with how people from different religions fight on path, doctrine, dogmas, mythology with sense that their way is correct to realise God while discarding others are not. 😑

Expectation is one of the evil, it’s my view, not neutral Self, but till I see the diversion in mind which sometimes keep me away from self, I declare it evil for me. Heavens and Hells are in the mind, mind when leaves Self, it sense or interpret the world. Hence world become Heaven and Hell depending on the relative perception of mind. Heaven is there when we are not bound by any tasks and duty which are triggered by expectations hold by people or even ourself towards us. We feel all time happy as there are no expectations expected and what we do is the automated action which help to move us towards Self realisation, freedom of choice to move towards it always there and in presence of Self and on path of realisation we can enjoy the pure, beautiful, full of presence life. Hell I suspect is just counter to this. People and even we started building up expectations towards ourselves, our actions, our experiences and our environment, to satisfy it we push ourself with sense of doership and start building up the Gold chain of attachments, slowly we get end up chaining ourself with gold shackles. These shackles then caught us so badly over the period with giving false sense of freedom of Getting gold and we end up in the loop, any attempt to free ourselves cause another chain getting added, or any forceful attempt cause us to hurt ourself or people around us to start hurting us due to sudden breakage of chain, caused their ego to hurt, egoist dream to collapse and to make their dreams full filled, their deadliest egos might push us to the corner and if we are not strong to control our mind, we end up in beacoming slaves to them and start accepting the new gold chains to shackles back us again.

I have taken few strong decisions recently, but mostly unconsciously, though as I am able to monitor thoughts closely now, which helped me to some extent to tame ego, same thought observations helped to realise that Expectations is another beast which needs to be concurred and destroyed. This is not the subtle entity like Ego, while it is the golden chain and no need to be attached, retained to us, only removal is solution.

World in reality is getting operated automatically, we are just hold the sense of doership, much near word in English vocabulary to this is Ego, though Sanskrit has very subtle detailed vocabulary for each of these mind stuff. This is tough to understand how world is automated initially, we need to feel it with Self realisation.

I am on vacation now, can see the past efforts I put on official upfront, is automated, in my absence work is still going on. When I go back, all official colleagues and everyone who was not having expectations from me during these vacation, will start building up expectations and push them to me. In short what I see is everything is automated, presence of me.. not even me.. the chain of gold which I build around me.. does make turbulence in automated flow and my doership which helped to build this chain does start pushing me to make everyone happy including me.

I am on vacation, with expectations to enjoy with family, suddenly realise family who has been automated functioning since last year, was just waiting for me to be in front of them, once I reached at home all expectations are somehow piled up by them. It was on top of the list of expectations which I have towards me built up before coming to vacation. The freedom to spend time with yourself somehow become struggle to remove yourself from expectations which build up by doership since long years.

This sometimes challenge the way we are executing our life, why we need to take vacation to get sense of freedom ship, why can’t entire world, life around us can build up to feel it real freedom daily to enjoy the life. Why can’t we prefer much to be with the people who doesn’t have any expectations from us and we prefer to spend time with them. Why can’t we control our behaviour, actions, so that all people around us be feeling not aggressive expectations. Recall the friendship, recall the time spent with child, recall the vacation memories which are very near to this thought where we loose our sense of doership and no expectations put on by us and by people around us and we are not involved in doing what concerns others.

These expectations after sometime caused you to loose your identity and you started making other people happy by doing what concerns them. It’s trap which we caught up and later struggle or confused how am I going to be free.

Still no solution in mind. Though I have stopped doing what other concerns initially, considering everything is automated. Though their is thin line to distinguish what they concerns and what my selfish mind concerns. Earlier I use to search outside like biographies of well known spiritual leaders, well known self help motivational books to dig for the solutions. I can recall why these Sant people life was tough, specially dealing with family, society, world around considering spiritual journey they just have started. Once you loose the Sense of doership, you have been outcast by the society which demand only doership. Let us see is there any better solution handed over by Self, or will direct me to the solution and keeping me on track to realise Self. Self does helped earlier to tame Ego by showing him Universal Heart.

Journaling:

Yesterday not able to meditate, busy with delivering expectations. Concurring world thought is much near to Ego is not there. As I am serving to me, family, people with duty thought and much closely related to Sense of doership. Today meditation was just pushed to relax further, able to be in Sukshma body state. No further movement happened towards Center initially. I have been sitted on new place in garden on grass where few ants which thought me as interference or destroyer to their home, started biting my legs during deep silenced state. Each bite raised pain externally caused to move me much near to Self. So sense of pain actually converted to push silenced focus towards self. No external actions taken by body or any struggle made by body to protect it has been concurred by self enquiry thought. After 45 mins I woke up with thought to meditate again in afternoon or sometime when I feel I am free from duty, daily activities. Demands are high with expectations, let us see how and what solution I will get. 😑

Self as Neutral

Self as neutral, doesn’t care whether Ego have wore thrown of any religions exist in history, present or future of world, it doesn’t care the doctrine, dogmas which resides in the world as they are available just in mind and give prospective, belief to people. All good n bad in world are having presence in mind, or ego sees it the way it want, and this means good and bad become relative decision point, Self doesn’t care any of this. What pain our body going through, does our body fully diseased, filled with all viruses or healthy with all good bacterias, does our body is disabled or we are in good shape, Self doesn’t care of this. Self is neutral, just present all time, accessible to anyone everyone every time just we need to look inside and open to feel its presence. Self is very nearest to all of us, and once we are in its presence we forgot all external limitations.

So all dogmas, story, concurring Mind, Ego which I have journaled explained in earlier blogs are progressive in nature, served there purpose to experience their existence, just to push me near to Self and giving slow, convincing feeling of progressive journey towards Self. They are now not getting inside path, due to daily practice, lost any interest towards them, they might be still present, but my conscious now directly able to move to Sukshma Body state with urge to be with Self as early as possible. Not single bothering thought of Body, Mind, Ego today, most of the diversions might concurred or Self presence itself now getting more clearer to me.

Journaling:

Today it was fast forward to Sukshma Body meditating state. Now in deep silence at Center much nearer to Self, Sat-Chit-Anand flow from back of neck, top of spine to internally top of skull flow of energy bliss easily observed. As I sticked awareness to body, considering yesterday observation after woke up from meditation, caused today blissful feeling not last longed. I wanted to fine tuned to see where n how bliss flow observed in body, in head. Not able to continue long time meditation due to body presence and alert observer. Most of the time when I start meditation, I am very active mentally to get focused initially, later naturally it flows as it is, no action from my side. But alertness has to be released once I reached to that natural flow, any continuation of it would not help. This time due to alertness and sticked to body presence, I have to wrap up from meditation early, but observed that if needed can quickly arouse the Sat-Chit-Anand just adjusting me towards Self.

Is this what we have to train continuously to our mind to learn and tryout different approaches which workout to easily access the bliss flow? I think this is just start, has to be in that state for long time during the day and slowly making it permanent. Yesterday and today feelings are clearly indicating Self as residue has been with me after meditation during entire day, not focused all time though. Common sense does still raise question, If further extensive meditation continued for few more days, does am I going to be with Self all time during day? Or how long it will take to reach this state? How and what does it will feel like, all day calmness with automated activities with no desire towards fruits of actions? Let us see.. 😑

Equanimity

Journaling:

This time after silencing mind, fine tuned the observation for Ego, somewhat felt that Ego “I am” is very big, actually can’t observe its identity clearly, also felt that in parts it is splitted, present across the expanded mind. Stopped observing it, moved to Sukshma body state as Ego is not what my goal. Due to delayed flight on Airport I have started Meditating, people are chatting nearby, though still reached to calmness quickly and reached to deep peace. Not sure whether I played Om Mantra or naturally got played, irrespective each time I moved towards Self Center. Intermittent Who am I? Question was also moved much near to Self. Sat-Chit-Anand like mantra when I insisted to feel, each word caused to move much core to Self. Have been in meditating state might be around 75mins. Felt Myself mixed with the Sat-Chit-Anand totally. Awakening from meditation thought came, slowly focus released to realise body. Legs and hands were felt numbness like slow blood supply for long time. Opened eyes slowly, observed the breath. Each breath out actually felt inside skull top as pushing energy. Eyes opened but no interest in looking at activities going on nearby, on airport. Felt very satisfied, calm and no thought of something missing or curiosity, Self looks like enternal fulfilled of everything, no desire to satisfy mind, ego. I was walking, watching, attending regular activities in calm silenced state, is this feeling of thoughtless ness? We usually fear how we can perform in such state, but this state is very very calm, all actions are looked like operating automatically, while I am continuously enjoying each breath out which felt inside skull top sensation of bliss bursting inside, no desire, no selfish motive to satisfy ego, no attachment to results of what I am doing, just doing it, felt life is beautiful, very beautiful, very in present. Lovely. 😑

Balancing Feminine Nature

We as human being are observer of the world around us, we know that we have similar qualities which animals specially mammals have. We observe the universe, animals to externally list down their social behaviour. We do get feedback and collect the human psychological data to conclude the facts which tell us how we as human different from animals or help us to understand how animals might be feeling inside, which we just predict with our limited senses, our experience or with the help of advanced technology or tools, on the basis that what is inside there mind would have surfaced externally.

All Humans have both hormones, testosterone and estrogen, same as animals. Testosterone which might be subtly influencing the ego to concur the world, estrogen might help to plant feminine qualities most related to love, care. Both are helping to balance the world and flourish it together. We have to look at, balance both of them, considering both are two sides of the same coin.

Surrendering ego has been working for me, need to be alert during entire day to keep watch on it, but it is not aggressive this time. Analysing the mind has been reduced to the extent, keeping it just so that I can journal the experiences during meditation. Meditation with expectation of great feeling somehow reduced, it started become daily divine activity. Feeling of bliss, near to Self is strong and help me calm peaceful all time. Though removing ego from throne, started other feeling love, compassion, caring are in initial phase somewhat popping up their heads again inside heart.

Felt long time back when I was kid, hold by my Mom in her palm, flooding love inside my heart, totally unconditional love from mom to me which I still feel in presence of her today as well, but can recall only to childhood when I personally felt it all time during day. More activities, study, getting aggressive in the world, moving towards goals, earning money, I have to switch from place to place across the world. Haven’t been long time with parents, though now they are with me recently, still felt myself distant from them. They haven’t changed, my Ego changed me a lot. Pushed me to the extent that I haven’t been open to feel the emotional love from mom and dad which is there all time flooding continuously, but i was insistently pushing that I am strong and do not need it. Any such actions are weakness. Having strong and getting love are different, why ego want to do his trading business here with Give-Take. Mom as feminine idol who has unconditional love towards me all time, recently the pain she is going through due to age, still love me, she just want me to listen the pain she is going through and instead of empathic listener, I stop further discussion by saying “this is common considering age”.

I can see the emotional flood of love getting bursted, journaling might help to loosen the emotional pressure, but love is on its way just waiting to arise naturally. What I need is to keep my Ego surrendered all time so that I can love unconditionally, love decision must not depend on my always judging mind, who decide to choose when and how and to whome I will love. When I always say Self which is neutral at Center of heart as Sun, I mean it just present there, qualities are just observed by Mind as Sat-Chit-Anand, though Self doesn’t have any qualities. Self just glows as light emitted as quality which mind, Ego feel it. Self does not do any partiality, irrespective of whether mind, ego are good or evil. Moving towards Self, realising it, first step could be to become like it?

Let us love the person, start with family, friends with unconditional love. Situation changes, context changes, even we might think next person changed, but do not judge, simply love them continuously, we will not regret with this decision. We will always be floating in sea of love all time.

Journaling:

Not much to say, just felt silenced in Sukshma Body meditative state. No universe visible today as yesterday, might be presented to show Ego that it is small one. No tryout from me done to see it. Meditation is just silencing mind and waiting naturally to enjoy the bliss now.